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New best jokes, funniest anecdotes from category ArmiaTop jokes from Armia category
At the global competition for the hijacking of vehicles:
Third place was awarded to the terrorist Abdul, who stole top secret
bomber with a top-secret airfield;
Second place was awarded to the terrorist Said for hijacking a top-secret
boats with a top-secret submarine base;
First place was awarded to the terrorist Hatab for hijacking a motorcycle of a biker
from the gang "drunken Wheel. Posthumously.
(C) Robinson OdEcsky
The western TV flashed another wave of anti-Russia propaganda.
Always move videos from the Chechen Republic of the atrocities rossiykoy Army
and the suffering of the Chechen people. The matter went to extremes - he Clinton
I went to Chechnya, to check what was happening.
Passing it once through the forest, with all his retinue, of course. Suddenly
hears a growl, heart-rending cries. Approaching closer and see this picture:
Chechen gangster type typically tied to a tree - and it attacks
bear. Just a little further - and the end of the Chechens.
Then from behind the bushes fly three Russian officers and began to shoot the bear
head. In general, the bear was killed, dragged away from the horrified Chechens;
well, and begin the skin of a bear to shoot on the hill.
Here it is suitable to Clinton and says:
- I bow before you for your noble deed. Some
dishonest the Western media are trying to spread slander about your
actions in Chechnya. But I am now convinced that in Russia's society
and close no hatred towards people of Caucasian nationality.
For sim Clinton left. One officer asked the other:
- Hey, Vasya, and who it was that??
- Yes you Th!? It's the president of America, Bill Clinton!
- I do not know, he was president or not the president, but in the hunt for a bear dude
Oleg, Melbourne, Oz
If sausage sold as well as software
then under the transparent wrapper around it would be the following agreement:
1) The manufacturer does not guarantee the compatibility of this product
with the organism and has no implications for its use;
2) the consumer is forbidden to examine the contents of the sausage
(eg, the presence of rat tails);
3) the buyer may sest sausage, but still does not become her
4) to use sausage can only one person;
5) the buyer can not sell sausages to anyone;
6) the manufacturer does not guarantee that the product is free from errors
(eg, from impurities of potassium cyanide);
7) the possible responsibility for the health of the purchaser can not exceed
cost of sausage;
8) severing the wrapper, the buyer accepts the terms of this agreement.
Husband and wife began to fuck. And suddenly on the radio:
- Attention, attention, started the third world war! In our town
drops an atomic bomb! Farewell, comrades ... - Weeping bitterly.
Wife - her husband:
- You have always been so, back aches, the atomic bomb ...
- The last time I warn you: Do not wake the beast in me!
- Oh-oh, I'm not afraid of your hamster!
One woman loved to feed the pigeons in the park.
Every morning she came there with a loaf of bread still warm and
fed them the whole loaf, scattering crumbs around. So
lasted a long time. It is noticed very conscious citizen,
and once, when he saw this woman, he said to her:
- You, lady, feed here these hideous birds, throw them
crumbs of your loaf. And in Africa, meanwhile people are starving!
And the woman, looking up at his gentle eyes, replied:
- Well, to Africa, then I do not loaf dokinut!
When the Lord God within half an hour the 15th time the computer is frozen, it
B. Gates decided to issue a final warning. The result you know:
"On February 28 in Seattle, an earthquake of 6.8 points.
American soldier: "This is Bill Gates dropped his wallet."
- Weaker now wit petty officers corps - someone complains commander
Regiment. - This used to be foreman - a fact! My grandfather told me how to
in the company of guests come from a nearby shelf. Had to spend the night. Where
place, if there is no extra seats? So starshina packed guests
beds, and their soldiers forced to wear coats and all on the shoulders
hung on the rack in the storeroom. Slept all - but how!
- My dear, next year will celebrate twenty-five years of our marriage.
Do you want to celebrate a silver wedding?
- Maybe - said the husband - better to wait another five years and celebrate
Thirty Years War?
Petka said Vasily Ivanovich:
- Vasily Ivanovich, what a disgrace, Ankin laying around the forest
Vasily Ivanovich, thought for a moment:
- All normal Petka, it is our biological weapons.
In Vietnam, one American soldier said to another:
- If anyone of us is killed, I will give this your wife.
10 stages of the morning hangover for the programmer (note the monitor).
1. Contemplative. He looks at the monitor clean transparent eyes, nothing
not take, do not click anywhere, sometimes in amazement, says,
looking at the screen: "Wow, who would have thought!" Computer is turned off from
2. Active. With suspicion and squint looking at the keyboard,
swaying his whole body, then throws a sharp movement of the hand
click on the desired button. In the case of a successful hit yells "E-hu !!!",
an unsuccessful getting the monitor to demolish edrene Fenya, while
grumbles good-naturedly, "Well that's the third time today"
3. Gloomy. Downcast, sitting in front of laptop, trying not to make drastic
movements. Typing on the keyboard language of the head and two hands
holding the mouse, so as not to tip over the chair ... As it turned out
4. Car. Attempts to create a computer car keys,
prisobachit radio cassette player on the panel, and include janitors, because
that "no shit is not visible, but must go"
5. Entertainment. Playing in Quake, and because of all weapons
prefer their own hands and fights with a monitor, threaten computer
back tomorrow with friends, karate, and ULP * zdit it so that "mom"
does not recognize.
6. Terrorist. After another attempt to unstick my eyes in horror
shouting that the computer is mined, because in the lower right corner
clock ticking, and dives under the table.
7. State. When asked to "Enter your password" in a shouting
PC: "Oh bitch, you love me that I do not know?", the monitor shows
language, obscene gestures and a certificate of the Assistant Deputy
8. Optimistic. Happy, playful, drawn with a computer on an equal footing.
Read page Anekdot.ru, also recalls a couple of funny stories and
tells them to monitor. Then they drink beer together, the computer
9. Uniksovaya. ... Off the computer, two minutes to drink beer again
includes waiting for the screen saver, and in anguish says "Again Windu
hate Gates, turns off the computer, two minutes to drink beer again
10. Reassuring. Long time to spell the screen reads "Now the food
turn off your computer ", then, smiling gently, said
"Thank you" and falls asleep on the keyboard.
From the annual message of President Putin: The revolution has passed, it's time
go to civil war, purges and terror.
The new chip GIBBDistov: to ensure that radar showed the more they
running toward the suspicious car as quickly as possible.
Little Johnny said that when he grows up wants to work Tampax.
The teacher asked whether he knew at least what it is?
- No, I do not know, but they say he works in a warm place!!
Dude decided to withdraw a prostitute. One of them offers his services:
- Come, but only on condition that thou shalt be a true whore.
- It will cost 200 bucks.
- There is.
They are raised in a hotel room, where dude she says:
- I want you to be very, very real whore.
- It will cost 500 bucks.
- And if you will you give me all the money that you have with you, I promise you
be the most up-whore of all whores.
- Excellent! - Yells satisfied dude and then gave her all the money.
- Now, get undressed, lie on the bed ...
Then she wear a him to the bed with handcuffs. Excited beyond
nowhere dude looks forward to the most important thing. Putana bends and
said in his ear:
- And now I'm going.
- Oh BLYADISCHA !!!!!!!
A peasant call from the bank, whose client he is, and offer
buy a checkbook, claiming that her use
than an ATM, because firstly, it does not need to look for an ATM,
and secondly, you can write a check in any amount without limitation. Guy
agrees. A few days later the loan officer again calls him:
- Unfortunately, we have to warn you that your account
He is already far in the red.
- Please, do not worry. Tomorrow I'll come to the bank and'll send you a check.
How to behave in polite society, not to pass for the full rotozeya,
or the rules of good manners.
- Instead of the usual "b * I always say only" oops "or" Yeow! ".
- If you have sweaty hands, before saying hello, politely and with
hospitality pat them on the shoulders of his friend.
- No need to blow your nose in a tie, imperceptibly better use for this
- If you are caught in the fact that you hand to fish out pots of soup
most meat pieces, politely say that he had just dropped there
- Always pulls for your lady's chair, even if it broke
- Always lavishly praise his hosts for their culinary excellence, even if the food
just arrived from a nearby pizzeria, or when you booked on
- If you really want to spoil the air, and leave the table there
no way, then podzovite to his master's little son, then at
you just do not think anybody. At worst, descend a dog or cat.
- If you have managed to break the master's crystal glass, urgently loud
sneeze and tip on the table with a bottle of expensive wine, the best two. In
the ensuing confusion to collect the precious drink your incident may
- If you are very noisy and interfere with its neighbors tromping above, then
the police and tell them that they have laid the bomb. Soon it all dies down.
- When, somewhere after the seventh toast, conversely, want to share
its a great joy to all neighbors - tap wrench on
battery. The entire staircase answer you happy clucking and someone
to tap in response. Fun in the house will only
- When the table is empty, and very much want to eat more - quietly
proshmygnite the kitchen, there is always something in reserve or in
oven or in the refrigerator.
- When you have been caught red-handed in the kitchen, tell yourself
volunteered to help the hostess with the serving of dessert.
- Saying good-bye, do not forget to heartily thank the hosts for their
cordiality and leave quietly in the hallway of their silverware, still
it does not fit the color of your tablecloth.
- As Snow White will divide the apple between the dwarves?
- Will eat itself and all will.
How many internet forum members need to replace a light bulb?
1 changes the light bulb and wrote in the forum, which was replaced lampoka
12 share similar life experiences and stories about the replacement bulbs
7 warned that the replacement bulb - a dangerous activity
27 indicate the grammatical and spelling mistakes in the previous
53 suit wrangle with literate
156 written complaints about the forum administrator to discuss non
replacing light bulbs in this forum
41 people correct grammatical errors in the positions of those who swore
with those who first pointed out the spelling mistakes
109 call to postpone discussion replacing light bulbs in forums.litebulb
203 call to postpone discussion of errors in forums.grammar,
forums.spelling and forums.punctuation
111 write that we all use light bulbs, so the discussion of their
substitution is quite acceptable in the forum
306 disputes, where better to buy light bulbs, which of the methods of replacing
effective, and what brand bulbs are suitable for this, and what does not
27 send links to sites where you can see samples of different
14 reported that the links do not work and send the correct link
3 write that found on these sites, materials relating to the forum that
makes the discussion of replacing light bulbs in the forum valid
33 sorts all the previous messages, gather them in one long text,
at the end add your opinion
12 say that leaving the forum forever, as there may be more
make glowing discussion
4 offers start a FAQ on light bulbs and replace them
25 offer to open a new forum forums.change.litebulb
47 argue that the forum was designed precisely forums.physic.cold.fusion
Issue of the Armenian radio:
- Who has the warmest hands?
- Of course, lawyers. They never frequent visitors from other people's pockets.
They come two in the street, both limping. One asks:
- What happened to you?
- Why, the war in Chechnya, two years ago, and you?
- Banana peel, two quarters ago ...
- Do not suggest how to get to the area of the "Three eccentrics"?
- Look, you see pub "Penguin"?
- I see!
- After him svernesh the corner, will be pub "Alligator", then after
Turning left - bar "stalwart", then at the end of the street pub "Blue
Lagoon ", then will pass to the corner and you will see a bar" whale's mouth. "
so, a mug for a mug and get out on the square of the "Three eccentrics.
The soldier received a vacation after 6 months of service, going home to his
machine (it is not in Russia, of course). Passing the steep turns,
He suddenly sees a goat tied to a pole. And as for the six months he
very starved for love, he decides to meet its
need a goat. Fully clothed, he comes back to the goat and
begins its work. At this time there turns multi-ton
truck. A truck driver parked the car and sees that
avoid collision, dramatically slows. Goat heard the creaking of brakes, so
frightened that broke off the rope, which she tied to a pole, and --
run out. The soldier hardly had time to grab the horns. Goat sweeps, as
hurricane, sighted by two old men sitting on the bench. One
They said another:
- No, you only see that for young people today go: even dress
not at that and bought a motorcycle!
One general was in a military hospital and was there to stay around
week. From the very first day it began to irritate him everything:
that it is not put in a separate ward, and in general to 6 beds, that
he was served a meal or cold, or one that is in general
impossible, that other patients do not keep quiet at night
etc. In short, all specifically pulled.
On the third day of his stay in the ward is a nurse and said to him:
- You need to measure rectal temperature, General.
Grumbling, the general still stands on all fours up in this ass
way that the nurse was able to introduce him to the thermometer. It introduces and
- Please, do not move, I'll be back in 5 minutes.
And leaves. An hour later, the House is already another nurse and sees
general in a piquant position. She surprised asked:
- What is happening here?
- You mean you never seen how to measure temperature?
- Of course, I saw Mr. General, but only do this rectal
thermometer, not daisies.
The soldier turned to his commander with a request for leave because
illness of his wife.
- I would not refuse you, Private Smith, - said the colonel, - but
the fact is that I have just received a letter from your wife, in which
Requests to be you posnishoditelney and at the same time said that he felt
The soldier saluted, turned and headed for the door. At the threshold he
stopped and turned to the chief, said:
- In our regiment, sir, there are two desperate liar. And one of them - I,
because I am not married.
Headmistress female Lyceum calls on the military base. Tube removes
- We have a Saturday in high school festival with dancing - could you please send
us about three dozen pretty young soldiers?
- Of course, come - no problem!
- But please - make sure that none of them were Jews ...
- No problem! All will, as requested ...
On the appointed day to the Lyceum, drove a bus from the fun
pop thirty Negro soldiers, headed by Sgt.
- What is it?! It's a mistake!
- What do you mean, no errors - is responsible Sergeant - Lieutenant Goldberg
Wanders somehow Ugly Duckling in the woods. Autumn, night, cold ... Foul
wind, rain, sleet, dark ... Not much has been frozen - lo and behold, hut
ahead! And in her bright and comfortable. Cat with chicken - dinner together.
- Let warm-night, - ask duckling.
- Well, - said the cat - but what do you know how?
- And what do you want?
- Know how to catch mice?
- And let the sparks of wool? Spins bend?
- Do not ...
- And the eggs - hen asked, - know how to bear?
All fucking thinks Ugly, I will say that I could not - kicked the hell out.
- I do, I can!
- Well and carry THEIR out of here!
(Plunger aka Kraft)
- You guarantee that this is a genuine Rembrandt? - Yes. 3 year warranty.
The woman came to the First Secretary of the District Committee and complains - husband walks. He says: - This can not be! - Yes, here's the proof - Women's underwear brought. - Well, well, call, talk, - promised to the first secretary, and cowards wrapped and placed in a drawer. Then he remembered that it would be a delegation from Provincial Committee. And laid them in a portfolio. Home came in a good mood. The son asked the movies, and his mother was no trifle, turned to his father. He said: - Let the mother take in the portfolio. Mother saw a package in his briefcase, opened it, and says: - Well, Ivan, I have two days looking for these cowards, and you them, it turns out, portfolio wear!
Local distillery warns: "Smoking, smoking and only smoking is dangerous to your health."
Water in the spring was high. Two boats with difficulty razminuvshis on rapids, slowly moved away in different directions. Long afterward still looking One after another grandfather Mazzei and Gerasim, and everyone was thinking about something else ...
French army. Colonel, passing in front of a formation of soldiers, he sees that
one of the soldiers pants below the belt protruded. Then he orders
sergeant, commander of the platoon:
- Sergeant! I order you to give this soldier a month's holiday, that he could
got what it lacks.
A month later the colonel back to the system and runs again notice that
as a soldier in the same form. He again gave the order:
- Sergeant! I order you to give this soldier two months leave
that he finally got what he wanted most.
It takes two months - a colonel, once again passing in front of system,
sees that this soldier's problem has not disappeared. Then he asks
- Sergeant, I have given the soldier for three months leave, that
- The fact that he was in love with you, sir.
Two friends are swimming in a small pond. The day was hot and sunny, but
water is still cold. Then one friend says to another:
- I have for you two news: good and bad.
- Let's good.
- The water has warmed about one degree.
- And the bad?
- It is not warmed by the sun and not from the air.
I'm just losing my mind from thinking about you, I have a burning desire
press you to arm yourself with an irresistible desire for pleasure, when I
I remember everything that you done to me.
It was a quiet, warm night, I was in my bed, when suddenly
approached you. You pressed your body to me without a shadow of embarrassment. Noticing
my apparent indifference, you clung to me and bit me for the most
intimate place. Then I fell asleep.
When I awoke, I began to frantically search for you, but in vain. You
left on my body and clothing clear evidence that
happened between us that night. Today I go to bed early and will again
waiting for you in his bed. When you came, I with all its force
hold you to myself, feeling at the same frenzied bliss. On your
body will not even millimeter area, to which would not
touched my fingers. I will be satisfied only when I see,
both from your body flows the blood. The only way I can from you
get rid of. Got it, damn mosquitoes?
When Soviet troops occupied Bessarabia, say, the soldiers began
pestered local women, they say, let's ... Well, they say, given.
Since then, Moldavian and their name.
In one responsible official had a free hour, he
decided to hold with his mistress. Phoned her and warned:
- Masha, get ready, I will be within an hour.
We drive to the house of his mistress, lets the car - warns the driver
come after 2 hours. Comes into a staircase and sees a sign: "Lift not
works for technical reasons. "Masha still lives on 17 floors.
Up to 4 th floor soared on the wings of love. At the 6 th wiped sweat from his brow and pulled
validol. At the 11 th sat on the steps and thought:
- Lord, if only this wa # di was not at home!
Comes a patient to a doctor. After discussing the problem and some
Survey doctor writes a prescription. "I must warn you, in
time course of treatment can not drink alcohol, the drug increases its
Effects of ten times, the consequences are unpredictable. "-" Doctor, can
the same recipe for my friend Slavik write? "
I have the wedding on cats trained, very awkward animal ... While
ring on his paw odenesh, the whole face scratched.
The visiting general comes to corral. Views soldier
raping a pig.
- What are you doing, soldier?
- Your order performed.
- Which order?
- Because you yourself said. To be streaky bacon - Pig
day to feed, day x;% in the battles;%.
Popal man to hospital, fracture - more than the bones.
- How is it you, my dear, happen?
- Why, at the wedding, the bride's friend painted under the crest ...
- And what do we have now hit at weddings!
- Yes for the love of art - a song sung Leontiev to his head.
- "Everyone wants to love, and soldiers and a sailor?"
- Aha ... Everyone wants to be and the bride, and a friend!
I sent my mother Vovochka the store and says ... buy me a bra and two of three
cowards! He ran to the corner tripped, fell and forgot that it is necessary
buy ... Ran home and said:
- Mom! I forgot what to buy!
- Three bra and panties, two ...
He ran again in the corner and stumbled, fell and forgot what to buy ..
Returned ... his mother and said:
- Three bra, panties, two ... more shall not repeat ...!
He ran and fell again, and again forgot! I think that is necessary ... then
remembered and ran into the shop on! Rushes and says the seller:
- I'd like three and two nasisnika napisnika!
- Boy! Are you e.nulsya??
- Aha! Three times at the turn!
A man came to the Wild West to hunt buffalo. Hired Injun -- conductor. They walked through the desert, no buffalo. Suddenly an Indian ear drops to the ground. Then he gets up and says: - It recently ran bison. A guy (surprised): - How do you know? Injun: - All the shit in my ear, still warm!
Let me introduce myself - Michael Warsaw, urologist. Among the friends known as Dr. Huybolit.
Advertising Russian blockbuster "Who does not happen." The text of the speaker.
Suspicion in the brutal murder of two police officers falls on Paul
- A former paratrooper. All the evidence against him. The whole world is against him: stupid
Head of Criminal Investigation, the operatives for whom nothing
saint, the prosecutor - a careerist judge - bribes. But with the help of their
friends and a lawyer - a girl Masha Paul restores fairness and
gaining freedom. The reward he will love.
And those two cops Pashka purely accidental debris. When drunk bug out. With
was not the case.
The U.S. government announced a reward for the head of Bin Laden - 25 000 000 $.
The Israeli government thought and added to the 30 pieces of silver.
Ensign explains recruits:
- An individual soldier - it was his boots. They have to shine like a smile
idiot. Whoever does not understand, look at me.
Almost from advertising:
- These cowards should be, dear!
- You wear them so that everyone can see.
There is a rabbit in the woods. Towards the wolf. Hare:
- Gray! What I have ear ringing?
- In the right!
- And how did you guess?
- So I'll show you yesterday left pulled!